Driving Tips

• When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.
  
• When driving at a slower speed, stay in the right-most lane.
  
• When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.
  
• When transporting kayaks on the top of the car, make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all. Drive with your right arm out the window and use your hand to keep the kayaks from falling off
  
• Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.
  
• Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
• Whenever you see a garda car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
  
• While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.
  
• Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them.
• Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and cigarette boxes.
• Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
  "Don't like my driving? Dial 1800 EAT SHIT"
  "I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
  "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
  "If you can read this, you're too close"
  "Watch my ass, not hers"
  "I'd rather be skiing"
  "I brake for no apparent reason"
  "I drive this way just to piss you off"
  
  
• Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.
  
• Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them.
  
• Throw drinks cans and food wrappers out the window when driving on highways.
  
• Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.
  
• Wear snorkeling gear
  
• If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light.
  
• If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
  
• Save time, read your newspaper and have breakfast while driving to work.
  
• When at a petrol station, don't pull up to the first available pump. This way people will have to wait until you are done before they get serviced. You should also pay with a credit card.
  
• If you approach a bicyclist on the same side of the road, pass him by leaving only a half inch between him and your side-view mirror.
  
• Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.
  
• Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel.
  
• If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.
  
• When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.
  
• If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractors, trucks and construction vehicles.
  
• On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to box in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
  
• If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
  
• If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.
  
• When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
  
• Steer you car toward any small animals or rodents running through the street. Then, yell to everyone else in the car "Hey, did you feel that little bump? I just ran over a bunny rabbit!"
  
• If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.
  
• If you get lost in a residential neighborhood and need to turn around, find a newly paved or sealed driveway to do so.
  
• When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
  
• When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
  
• The more expensive of a car you drive, the more you have the right of way.
  
• If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, a foreign national, or a child.
  
• When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song is appropriate.
• Keep your roof racks on all year round so that you look like a garda car in other car's rear-view mirrors.
• Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other.
  
• When parking in a residential neighborhood, always park in the street blocking someone else's driveway.
  
• When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure that you park partially on someone's lawn.
  
• Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle of changing lanes.
• After filling your tank and paying at a busy petrol station, leave your car in front of the pumps while you use the bathroom and shop for a snack.
  
• Always save your nose picking for when your behind the wheel.
  
• While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.
  
• If another driver does something stupid to tick you off, get out of your car at the next red light and scream at him through his window to get out and have his ass kicked.
  
• Drive with a pen and notebook in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does.
• When passing a bicyclist, do not under any circumstance cross the center line, even if you are driving down a straight road with no oncoming vehicles in sight or when approaching a bicyclist or parked car in your lane, swerve carelessly into oncoming traffic to go around it.
• Save money. Don't bother with insurance.
  
• After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.
  
• When driving home with a pizza, drive with it on your lap.
  
• If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.
  
• If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a Moron. Then when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp.
  
• Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. Or adjust them so that you can see your hair.
  
• When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it.
  
• When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.
• Always drive with your left arm behind the passenger seat.
  
• Drive backwards through the drive through at McDonalds (works best when you have a passenger) Explain to the cashier that your car is stuck in reverse.
  
• Drive with your seat far back enough, that a dentist can fill cavities while you travel.
  
• If you are supposed to wear glasses or contacts while driving, don't.
  
• Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so that as every pulls over to let them pass, you get ahead of them.


• If someone leans on their horn to get your attention so they can curse at you for a moronic thing you just did, ignore them and don't make eye contact.


• Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so that they completely block the side and back windows.


• You always have the right of way.